Epiphany

For the first time in the 8mo I have spent in Haiti I have lost a lot of hope. Before I always had so much hope that the work we are doing is good, and Haiti will change. I thought it was so important to do primary care and help the people one by one. But now I've realized we need public health education so that we can help a large number of people and make it sustainable.
This epiphany was spurred on by Ryna, AJ, Dustin and I taking a group of 9 patients to an HIV program in PPX. The gov. provides the HIV meds for free but only at certain locations, since our number of HIV patients has been increasing lately, we have decided to take a group one day every month. After arriving at the hospital program we had to wait in three different lines, followed by a trip to the lab, into an office, around the building to make a file, back to a different office, and ending in the pharmacy. Times 9 patients, not fun. Though we had informed each of our patients that they were HIV positive, each one stated that they did not they had HIV. Even though we had told them multiple times. Many of the patients did not believe or understand the HIV education they got at the other hospital. One continues to state she does not have it because she does not have a rash or diarrhea; though she has tested positive three times. Another one who's husband died a month ago in our hospital d/t HIV still states he contracted HIV because someone put a powder on his chest.
It is so frustrating!! I don't know what the problem is, either the patients don't want to learn or have a hard time learning. Haitians are not stupid but if you don't go to school it is hard to even know how to learn. I just wanted to scream HELLO!! You need to listen and learn how you get HIV and most importantly how you can spread it to others. And HELLO the government needs to be teaching the people, and enticing them to get treatment and education. I never want to go back to that program b/c it was so crazy and overwhelming. I can't imagine how the Haitians feel, I got to arrive in a car, and probably got some special treatment b/c we know some people there, but to go through that by myself without any health knowledge would be so confusing. Added bonus there is no prevention in Haiti. People don't even know about prevention, and even if they do they can't do anything about it. In Passe Catabois you can't even buy a condom. People don't even know about the importance of handwashing, or clean water, or safe sex. Blah! Haiti needs to re-evaluate healthcare in a big way. Haiti has serious issues regarding healthcare. I mean we need to start from scratch here. Can you imagine not even knowing these basic things? I am excited to go home and try to think of creative ways to teach public health in Haiti.
Updates: the clinic was pretty mild last week. We had one small child with meningitis who went home and died the next day. Of course later that day I had a hypocondriach moment and thought that I also had meningitis! Minor panic. On Saturday, I delivered a premature baby girl who had died in utero. It was the mother's third baby that she had delivered dead. Horrible. I can't imagine that pain. The family did not want to take her home to bury her because of the costs, so she went in the latrine. And we had another baby come in who had the umbilical cord fall off and was bleeding. Michel stitched it up and she is all better!!
On a truly happy note. Chaniaka, the 5yo with heartfailure went home yesterday. She is playing and dancing and singing! She is a little miracle child. So there is still hope in Haiti.

Bats, scabies and blood

Sorry for not blogging recently, I left Haiti two weeks ago to attend my brother's graduation from Wake Forest which was followed by a family vacation in the Blue Ridge Mountains(where Dirty Dancing and The Last of the Mohicans was filmed)! It was gorgeous and really fun. Of course I did not return to the states empty handed; I came back with ringworm and scabies!! Sorry to all the family and friends I hugged while I was home! :) The good news is Annelies told me that you know you are a good nurse when you have had scabies! Yippee!!
I returned to Haiti last Monday with my brother. It was good to be back and see everyone. Unfortunately, three of our patients had died while I was away. One of them a 54yo TB patient with HIV; who I expected to die. As well as a 14yo girl with TB, who I completely did not expect to die. And saddest of all our little baby Ivnelle who had been staying with us died in his mother's arms. I was heartbroken. Honestly, it feels as though everyone dies. I have questioned if I have that affect, like everyone I try to care for dies. Sometimes it is so hopeless and disc0uraging, it feels like we aren't doing any good.
This was followed by Tuesday morning, a 1yo with respiratory problems died at the hospital. And Wednesday morning I was awoken for an ambulance in which a 14yo boy with diarrhea and vomiting was unconscious. He died within an hour of arriving. WELCOME BACK! It has become heartbreak after heartbreak. I enjoyed being at home and not having to worry about who would die next.
But there is happiness and joy as well! Chaniaca, the 5yo girl with heartfailure is doing much better and will come home on Thursday after 3months! She is a little miracle and victory for us! And I really enjoy all the volunteers that are here with us! They are quality and it is awesome to live in community with them!
Ok patient of the week a 53yo man came in and said he was peeing blood. In reality, he had blood dripping from his penis. He then wanted to emphasize this and squeezed his penis which caused a faucet stream of blood to come out of his penis onto our chair! Sick me out!! By far the most disturbing penis case I have seen, and that is really saying something!!
Animal update: The other day I went to the toilet, and there is a window behind the toilet. I heard a noise and their was a rat pushed up against the screen!! Not ok!! Worst story of all is last night my brother heard a noise in his room (he has been sleeping with the door open). He decided to investigate and saw a BAT hanging down from the bunk bed in his room! He was on a different bed thank goodness! But the bat was eating a cockroach!! Freaky!!! He know sleeps with the door shut!

Supermom's

Last weekend we had the little girl stay with us, and she died on Sunday morning but we cared for her Friday, and Saturday. Then on Tuesday we decided to NG tube one of the babies at the hospital. The baby is 3mo, he has HIV and his mom is also sick in the hospital with HIV. Tuesday evening he looked very bad, sunken eyes, vomiting a lot etc. He looked like he was near death, we asked the mom if we could take him home so we could tube feed him in the night. But his mom was afraid he would die, and she wanted to be with him when he died. So I had a sleepover at the hospital. I stayed in the room of one of our malnourished kids and I woke up throughout the night to give the baby milk. Since then he spends most of his days and nights with us. I take half the night shift and someone else takes the other half. Last night Ryna took him for me so I could sleep which was really good because I am sick now. All of this is so relevant for the week leading up to mothers day. Someone said to us that we like to take in babies because we aren't moms yet. And I said no its the opposite, we aren't moms yet BECAUSE we have taken in babies. We have a glimpse of the reality of what it takes to be a mom. And do not even get me started on how upset I am that I have seen the reality of childbirth, the thought of going thru labor is the most terrifying thing I can imagine. Seriously, the hardest work of my life has been the times I have had to care for a baby. It is a job without rest, it requires the energy of a Mexican jumping bean(Ryna's words), and it takes the patience and love of Jesus(and I really mean that)!! Whenever I care for a baby I have a new appreciation for my mom, especially since rumor has it I cried pretty much constantly! And don't even get me going on what a hot mess my sister was(love u emagirl)!! I always say when I am down here I want to gain some of AM's superwoman powers, but whenever I have a baby or kid with me I wish my mom was here to give me some of her supermom powers! Everyone says their mom is great, but if you know my mom you know when I say it its true. Its hard for me to take in a baby, because I know I can't measure up to my mom!! She would have the baby bathed, dressed nicely, worked all day, cleaned the house, and made a meal for the neighborhood. Yesterday, I didn't have the energy to clean the baby puke off my pants (he projectile vomits sometimes)! But to all the moms, if you have managed to keep your sanity and not killed your child then you are amazing!! And I hope I am as good of a mom as you are, and like 1/10 as good as my mom!!! :) Also, a quick shout out to the dads, I know for sure I refuse to be a single mom because its too hard without the help and support of the baby daddy!! Nothing harder than being a parent, NOTHING!!!!!

　

Here we go again

We had a low key week, followed by a hideous weekend. I can't even remember anything in the week worth mentioning. Except that a married couple Annelies(Holland) and Dustin(US) came last weekend! They have been a great addition to our team, and Dustin is the reason we have internet! Now we are definitely our own little community, 6 people living here at the guest house along with a team of 5 Americans from CA. They are a pretty low key team which has been nice. And the team includes Dustin's parents, his mom is a wonderful cook! Its been so nice coming home to good food!! She even made chocolate cake in Haiti!!! Yippee!!

Unfortunately, Friday afternoon we had a really sick 4yo come in with bloody diarrhea. She was so weak she could not hold her head up. The dad refused to stay in the hospital with her so we decided to take her home. Friday night she stayed with the MD and his wifey and she was doing ok, she even walked to the toilet, and she talked a little. Then mid day Sat. she became unresponsive. We could not get an IV in her Friday, or Sat. But we did NG tube feed her, after we put the tube in yesterday she was a little better. When we pulled fluid out of the tube we saw old blood, each time we tube fed her. Then she had another bloody stool, but the real problem was she started have lung problems breathing fast and hard with what sounded like pneumonia. Last night I had her until 2:30 AM, then Annelies took over. At about 11PM she started to cry out, which scared me a lot because I realized I have never heard a kid cry like that and live. I woke Ryna up because I was scared, but we could not do anything except give her lots of pain medicine. Then at 4:30 Annelies woke me up and told me that the little girl was dying. I went into the room and she had vomited old dark blood everywhere. She died within a half hour.

Yesterday, a lady came in labor, and she had a note from another clinic saying she had been pushing for 12hrs and the baby could not be delivered vaginally! 6th kid. The mom was ok, as was the baby's heartrate. Michel who said we could use the vacuum to get the baby out. He used the vacuum and got the baby's head out but the shoulder got stuck. It was horrible. We tried thrusting her legs into her chest, and then we had her stand up. Finally after what seemed like forever the baby came out, but she was dead. We did CPR but could not revive her. It was really sad. The worst part is that to do a burial in Haiti is really expensive and the families cannot afford it so when a baby is born dead many times they throw the baby in the outhouse. Which is what the family did yesterday. That is poverty beyond imagination, when your option is to throw your kid in the toilet to save your family from drowning in debt. Its just horrifying all around.

On a brighter note, everyone is the hospital is doing well! We sent some patients home healthy, which is a victory!! And my little friend Orisnel, the 27lb 12 yo went home feeling much better. We admitted some new patients a mother and 3mo baby with HIV. And another women with HIV and heart failure. Plus a new TB patient who I really like, but she is 26yo and weighs 63lbs. We have three malnourished kids who actually drink the milk, except for one of them. But they are all doing well! So good things are happening as well. And our patient who we took to Paul Farmer is also good!! There is hope!

　

　

Paul Farmer Here I Come

We have had a TB patient that we think is resistant. He started treatment last summer with me, and then stopped treatment. He is 21yo, and finished with 2mo txmt and is still so sick, I think he is almost 6feet tall and weighs 96lbs. HELLO!! AM said we need to take him to Cange, which is where PIH, Paul Farmer's hospital is! I was like yippee! B/c I think this is his only chance to live, and maybe I get to see Paul Farmer! My hero!!! My entire week basically revolved around this trip so this is all I'm gonna blog about!

Here is how it goes.

Number of hours spent in the car total 14hrs (Please keep in mind Haiti roads are the worst in the world)

Number of times I caught air as we went over a hole in the ground: I cant remember because I have brain damage from the bumps

Number of times we almost got into a car accident with a goat: 1000 (that is probably only a SLIGHT exaggeration)

Number of times I complained about being hot(excluding the car ride): 0 b/c Cange is in the mountains and its cool

Number of times I was super impressed by Cange, and thought about Paul Farmer: too many to count

Overall, the trip was amazing. Cange and the hospital there is sooo impressive. Its like a little resort in the mountains, just a beautiful isolated hospital. They seem to do a good job, and everything is free. They let us stay there, and gave us food. We stayed for two nights! It is seriously surrounded by mountains, and is just beautiful. I am so happy I got to go there, the only let down was Farmer was not there, they said he left right after Easter. I was like oh man, soooo close. But I am happy I got to go on an adventure in Haiti, and I am really excited b/c I think they can really help our patient. Plus when I return to the US I am going to bring the sputum of our patient's sister, who is in our hospital for TB. They are going to test her for TB resistance, and I am going to bring it to them. So now I consider myself an insider and future employee of PIH! :)

Also, I had a frog sit next to me last night while I went to toilet! Once again, can I get a little privacy!

My Own Horror Movie

Sorry for the lack of blogs and emails! Trust me I wish I could have been in contact with the outside world!! Don't feel ignored, and don't give up on me, I need your prayers and emails now more than ever!! The past few weeks have been difficult. Haiti is such a source of joy, and peace for me. But it also breaks my heart more than I can handle sometimes. Today, Ryna and I were awoken at 5AM by the sister of one of our TB patients, Acdonel. She said he was vomiting blood. By the time we walked to the hospital he was dead. I was near hysteria, people had to calm me down. Last night I sat and talked with him and we laughed. He had been here 4 weeks and was improving, he was walking, and last Sunday he went to church! He was one of my favorite patients, after Ryna and I did rounds I was talking to Ryna about how much I liked him and that I just wanted to hang out with him. He was just a source of joy for everyone in the hospital, and his death was so unexpected. He is just hard describe, he was just an amazing person. I have never been so sad and upset over someone dying, I'm sad he's gone. Then later today at clinic I delivered a baby that was dead. The mom was seven months pregnant, and had not felt the baby moving. We did an ultrasound and realized the baby was dead, so we induced labor and today she delivered him.

On a more encouraging note we have had several deliveries that have been really good. On Sunday, I delivered a baby which is becoming my favorite things to do. Friday night we had a mom laboring with twins. Dr. Michael checked her and she was only dilated to a 3 so we went home and told them to call us if she felt the need to push. Within 45min the guard was at my house saying one of the twins had already been born. I tried to run to the clinic, of course rolling my ankle on the way b/c the path is all rock, and almost throwing up because I had just finished eating. By the time I got their there were two baby girls chillin on the bed!

Also, we had a team from Ryna's church come, and they were awesome! Just super faithful and encouraging! Plus they made awesome food, and just made me laugh a lot which I appreciated! The one downfall was one guy on the team really like the grape soda here which is similar to Dimatapp cough syrup, or poison!! So that was seriously sickin me out!! And also, I had a spider in my shower! I decided to show mercy and let him live but then he started crawling up the wall directly behind my head! Which was a serious problem, so I tried to kill him, I knocked him down where he played dead and after a few minutes he started walking again! So then I got really mad and really killed him!

Now this is the real story I need to tell, but this is not for everyone. This story will freak you out, and maybe haunt you so stop reading if you cant handle it. This is also the incident that destroyed my friendship with Ryna b/c she woke me up and brought me into this world of terror! JJ, we are still friends!! We admitted a baby to the hospital for dehydration. We put a tube in, and were rotating doing feedings. Our favorite thing to do. Ryna went to do an 11o'clock night feeding. I was awoken by her running into the room basically crying. She told me that while doing the feeding she saw something move in the baby's mouth. Then she looked in and the back of the baby's mouth was filled with blood and worms. So we went to the clinic got a bulb syringe, and some tweezers to try to remove the worms. There were probably a hundred worms, we probably got 20 out. They had dug a hole in the baby's gums, and had also dug holes in the back of the baby's mouth inside the cheek pockets. While I was plucking the worms out, one came out the baby's eye. It was seriously worse than a horror movie. Its midnight, its dark, and you are pulling worms from a 5mo baby's mouth. Over the next few days we pulled out like 20 worms a day, the mom got most of them out b/c she would see them rise out of the holes and grab them out. I think overall only one came out the eye, and 5 came out the nose. We tried all different things to kill the worms, but we couldn't get them out b/c they were in the back of the baby's mouth. After a few days the mom pulled out a few dead worms but soon after the baby died. I think the worms had gotten into its sinuses and into its brain. We could tell the baby was probably brain dead bc he clenched his fists and would not open them again, and his eyes were not responsive. I think they were maggots, but I don't know. One night I brought 9 of them home alive and tried all different things to kill them, but not even bleach would kill them. Anyway, that is the worst experience of my life! And I can not even hear the word worms anymore. I literally had nightmares. The baby died the day before Acdonel our TB patient died. Then on Sat. a 13yo boy died of Pneumonia. So basically this week I feel like what are we doing here, everyone is dying and its so awful and unnecessary!! My heart hurts, and my sadness is so overwhelming. I hope next week is better. And please send out some prayers!

Seriously?

My week in review:
Sunday: Rob is back! Yippee!!
Monday: In the morning a medical team of 52 people came and stayed at our house until Thursday. Pro: medical and dental care for so many people. Con: Sharing my kitchen and most unpleasantly my bathroom with 52 people.
Monday PM: I had to tell one of our patients, 30yo young man, who had been shot randomly with a bullet that went thru his arm, into his chest and struck his spinal cord, that he will never walk again. I sat with him for an hour as he cried and told me he wanted to die. Its hard enough to earn money in Haiti but when you can't walk, and you have a small family what can you do?
Tuesday: A pediatrician from the team saw our 1.85kg baby and told us she has Trisomy 18, and will not survive. We then had to tell the mother, and it was really sad. It was difficult for us because the MD said she has 95% chance of dying but maybe we could NG tube feed her for a year. But we are not equipped to do that here, she would have to live with us, use so many supplies, at some point need a feeding tube put in her stomach and still probably die. It was a heartbreaking decision to send her home.
Wednesday: I went to give Erebendi his afternoon milk and he was holding his arms and breathing hard. The mother said he is not good and that he has let go. We loaded him up on antibiotics, and pain medicine. About 2hrs later he seemed better, he was wanting to drink water. We went home to eat dinner and got called to the hospital with the news he had died. I can't put into words how I feel about that.
Thursday: We also found out Wednesday that one of our TB patients and his wife have HIV. We told them Thursday morning.
Friday PM: Ryna came into the room and announced to me that their was a spider IN my bed. This spider was the size of a big chocolate chip cookie. Bigger than a Reeses Peanut Butter cup (Its been a hard week I have chocolate on the brain!) So I flung him out of my bed and killed him! But what a way to end the week! I mean seriously!

Week 2

AM left on Sunday which leaves the four of us here to hold things down! It was an interesting week! Michael is a gyno and is trying to learn tropical medicine at warp speed! Also, he and his wife Esther cannot speak Creole which adds an interesting dynamic! We had a couple deliveries, and I am practicing being a midwife here so I am always the one at the deliveries! When we do deliveries or have an emergency Michael always goes back to speaking German, so currently I am learning German and Creole!! We had one emergency in which a women came in with half of her lip bit off! Sick me out!! Her husband has two wives and his other wife bit her lip off! We don't know why, but in case anyone needed it here is more proof that multiple wives are not a good idea!!! We also had a man come in who crashed his motorcycle and split is nose in half! Once again, sick me out! These are moments when I question whether or not I enjoy being a nurse!
Plus to start off the week, on Monday we admitted three more malnourished kids. MILK!!! One is a little girl who is 3, and has the beginning of Kwash. She left on Friday though because her mom did not want to stay. The other one is a 5 yo boy who weighs 27lbs and has a huge wound the size of a hamburger on his butt. He has not walked for 8 days. His mom was 9mo pregnant and on Thursday morning she literally popped out the baby. As in I did not even have time to put my gloves on. But Michael already had gloves on so he caught the baby. After delivering the mother said she could no longer stay at the hospital. Even though I told her if they left Jino her son would die. They promised to come back for milk every morning, we have not seen them since. I'm so sad because he will die, and maybe he could have lived. Our last malnourished boy is 12yo and has Down's Syndrome. He weighs 27lbs as well, yes a 12yo weighing 27lbs. He is sooo precious, I want to keep him in my pocket!! But I can't because he tried to hit Esther on the head with corn, so it would be a difficult working condition for her if he was in my pocket!! Thursday we also had a 3mo baby move into the hospital, she weighs 1.75kg. We are giving her formula and she is taking it. By Sat. her weight had increased to 1.85 so that was good. We continue to give Erebendi the milk thru his tube, his swelling has gone down some but he will not drink or eat anything. Come on little man!!
We also admitted two new TB patients! Apparently, word gets out that the MD is back and the flocks are coming. We are trying to fill the hospital up in our first week!!
Good news I killed my first tarantula! It took three rocks a few screams from Ryna but he is dead!! The mice continue to violate us in the bathroom, but I'm getting used to them!!

Week One in Passe Catabois

I lied we do have the internet!!
We left PAP on Tuesday via a small plane. I am not a fan of these little plane rides, but I was feeling really calm b/c I was so excited to head to PC and see everyone! I felt sooo good that I even ate some goldfish, unfortunately about 2/3 of the way thru the flight we hit some major turbulance and I almost threw up all the goldfish! It was scary, Ryna had to put her head down and go into a prayer vigil!! I actually started laughing, I'm totally that annoying person that when a situation is stressful I get that hysterical laugh. Last time I was in Haiti and on a motorcycle, I was laughing so hard b/c I thought I would die but the driver thought I was laughing b/c I was having so much fun so he kept speeding up, as I got closer and closer to a heart attackt!!! We made it to PC and I got to see AM! She is doing really well, and is just as amazing as ever! She went back to Holland on Sunday and will return after the girls are officially adopted!! I'm soooo sad she is gone, part of the reason I come to Haiti is just to soak up her goodness, if I can be like 5% as good as her that would be awesome!! We also met the new German doctor, Michael and his wife, Esther and I love them both! I have already made jokes about Germany and it has been a hit so I love that! Plus, the doctor is an OB and he said he would let me do the deliveries so I am excited about that, and he loves getting a Coke everyday so we will be BFF! Esther is a nurse too, and she is so nice and does whatever is needed! I think we will all be a good team, but I think we are all a little anxious about AM being gone!
Of course day 1 we are greeted by a malnourished boy, 2yo, Erebendi. He is soooo swollen, and will not drink the milk so we had to put in an NG tube which he likes to pull out!! Saturday night I looked at him and decided he was about to die, the swelling was increasing so I decided to get up and give him milk at night! Bring on the exhaustion! Ryna being the good caring nurse she is gets up too! And yesterday Esther joined in! Esther feeds him at 11PM, I'm at 1AM, Ryna at 4AM. He still is about the same but he's alive so I'm hopeful! But seeing him has brought back some sad memories! I'm glad to be here but there is also so many sad memories. I asked AM about some of my old patients, and Dieselmet the malnourished boy is doing well! Unfortunately, two of my TB patients died and one child who stayed in the hospital for pneumonia. Sad.
Besides that the most eventful thing that happened was while I was on the toilet!! Sorry, but its true! I went to the bathroom at like 2AM and while I was sitting there I saw a shadow outside the door! YES, a shadow! It freaked me out, I was like oh crap that better not be a huge tarantula coming after me! It was not, it was a big mouse that decided to charge me while I sat on the toilet! Excuse me, I am suppossed to be getting some privacy here in PC and I have 2 mice that like to join me in the toilet! At least its not a tarantula, which I have not seen any!!! And the best news of all is that Amelia the sheep I was tempted to slaughter more than once has been relocated!!
I already have a baby that I will take care of next month, a decision I may regret later! She is 11mo and her mom died. She is living with a French couple here, and they leave in April so she comes to live with me! Ryna was super excited that I volunteered to do that; we may no longer be roommates in a month! But the baby supposedly sleeps thru the night! And AM needed someone to watch the baby and I can't say no to her, she is my hero! Plus I am praciticing being a mom at different stages, the first two babies were extremely exhausting! I'm really hopeful and blissfully ignorant in thinking that maybe an 11mo will be less exhausting and lots of fun!! Here we go again!!

Back at the clinic

Hi, Just wanted to let you all know we have NO internet here right now, hopefully it will become available soon but in the mean time I will not be able to update my blog or email.
We made it to the clinic and everything is good. So for the time being remember.... no news is good news!
Peace

Goodbye PAP

This past week was much better! We worked at a couple different clinics! One was at a closed down amusement park, which was actually scary! Similar to something out of a horror movie, plus amusement park in Haiti thats just odd! The UN did an aid distribution during our clinic it was pretty cool to get to see how that works!! A little crazy but everyone got tarps, and a bucket with water, soap, toothpaste, and TP!! Yesterday, was my last day of work ; Ryna and I decided to go for the ER. Nothing too exciting, two women were hit by a car, but they both were rushed to the OR pretty quick so we did nothing. One had a huge chunk out of her knee which was pretty gross and looked painful!!
Privacy please! Ok earlier in the week a woman tried to share a shower with me, and seriously got mad at me when I said no! Last night, I was awoken to find one of my odd roommates bent over in my face! She wanted to tell me a story! Maybe I'm judgmental but there are just weird people in the world, and she is one of them! I mean I was sleeping!! Then in the middle of the night she woke me up because she fell off her bed! She had put a huge inflatable mattress on top of her cot, not the most brilliant move I have seen! Today, I was in the toilet at camp and two Haitian men decided to come in wash their hands, and have a conversation in the bathroom! Excuse me, Women's Bathroom!! Awkward! Starting tomorrow my privacy will no longer be violated b/c I'm heading to Passe Catabois in northern Haiti! Though I will miss those random entertaining moments, that cross all personal boundaries! I know I have a flare for the dramatic but these stories are completely true and unexaggerated!!!
I'm sad to be leaving Port Au Prince! It has been challenging and interesting to see a different side of Haiti, and witness disaster relief! But I am ready to go to Passe Catabois, to be part of the community there, and to just get settled! I love PC because I get to know the patients, and my neighbors; here I am mostly surrounded by white people which is weird in Haiti!
My thoughts as I leave PAP are this: I do not understand suffering at all, or why it happens!? I am at a loss as to why one house stands, and the next is destroyed! Why Haiti? Its sooooo frustrating, that a place with so little became even more devastated; which I did not think was possible. And how do you go back to normal life after being exposed to all this. I am also completely freaked out by natural disasters, before they were kinda fascinating, and now they are the most horrifying thing I can imagine!!
But the craziest thought I have is that the earthquake may have been the best thing for Haiti! I wish those people had not died, definitely I am haunted by the thoughts of people trapped in the rubble, hoping to be pulled out. I wish that had not happened! But now people do care about Haiti. Haitians have rcv'd better healthcare in the last month than they ever have! And people really care, volunteers are heartbroken by what they see, and want to do more! I think the Haitians know this because the Haitians seem soooo hopeful! Its given me more hope for Haiti than I could have imagined, and most surprisingly hope in the US.
Statistics: Babies delivered - three and 1/2(I got the head, someone else finished), privacy violations- immeasurable; tarantulas seen and killed- 1; malnourished kids- 3; clinics/hospitals worked at- 8; autographs not gotten- 2; current # of bruises on my body- 15; mosquito bites- 0; chocolate consumed- too much to count; patients died- 0(yippee); ice cold showers-28; breakdowns- 2; Anderson Cooper sightings- 0; wounds cleaned- I can't remember I blocked it, b/c I hate wound care!
Funniest/Most Terrifying moment: Totally face planting while trying to run out of the building during the earthquake while being left behind by Lisa and Lisa!!!
What I'll miss the most: the people I got to meet here! So many awesome volunteers, it has been encouraging to be surrounded by people who are enthusiastic about helping Haiti!! And just people who care about other people, thats pretty awesome!!
Tomorrow the new adventure begins with the small plane ride(HATE it), followed by the two hour taptap ride(LOVE it)!! Then I get to meet the German Dr. who I will be working with, I really hope I like him and can filter all my inappropriate German jokes(but I'm part German so its ok if I make them)! Internet will be limited, so don't be offended by my delayed response on email! But since you all have internet that is not an excuse for you to not email me!

The Plan

Lisa our third musketeer left us today to go back to PA!! PAP is not the same without her, we already miss her!!! The hospital in Passe Catabois is open, and Annemarie arrived in Passe Catabois this past week. So we have decided to head north on Tuesday March 9th! We have spent a month in PAP and are ready to head back to our real home in Haiti!! Excited to see everyone we know, and get settled back into our routine in northern Haiti. Not gonna lie I'm really excited to have my own toilet, adn shower, and bedroom! Though I love people and could talk pretty much 24/7 even I have reached the point of craving alone time and some privacy. Yesterday, a woman wanted to share a shower stall with me and that was pretty much the straw that broke the camel's back! We take 3min showers! Could I have 3min to wash by MYSELF! I really don't think that is asking too much here! I've been here a month I need those 3min ALONE!! Plus that is just really weird, and sooooo unnecessary!!
But the truth is I think the devastation is really getting to me! Its frustrating and just really sad to be here! I know that I need a change of pace because I am not smiling thru the day's anymore! The last thing the Haitians need is a sad nurse! Its just that the hospitals and clinics are sooooo disorganized. And there are definitly some high maintenance volunteer groups who have started to get on my nerves! I've heard them complaining about the food etc when they are here for 6days and surrounded by people who have nothing!! Shut up people!!! My patience has grown thin!! Plus I just pass these houses that are flat as a pancake, and wonder what has happened to those families!! Why them, why that house? Even if they lived will they ever be the same?
On that note Passe Catabois here we come!!!
Thanks for all the notes of encouragment! I'm sorry my last blog was depressing! My blog is like a diary, and I do not filter it! But I am feeling better so nobody worry about me! Plus I have Ryna with me, and she kicks my butt when needed and cheers me up when I am sad!!

Worst Week

I know I should be positive on my blog but I need to complain hard core! I had a horrible week! Monday started off with us going back to the same hospital, except our driver got lost going there and coming back! We spent over 4hrs in the car, and were more than 2hrs late for work! Not a good Monday. But it turned really bad b/c in the middle of the night we had two earthquakes. The first one woke me up b/c my cot was rocking back and forth!! Also, I heard someone screaming, and someone else calling out to Jesus. Which always freaks me out b/c I think that means it must be the end of the world. But I fell back asleep. And was awoken to chaos. My true friend Ryna was suddenly telling me to run. I turned my head and saw my friend Lisa from Crossworld, and my other friend Lisa who is a firefighter from Portland running out the door! I just want to point out they did not tell me to run, and totally left me behind!! I have tried to remind them of this several times!! So I start to run while still in my sleeping bag and make it about half way across the room before I body slam the ground! I frantically scrambled to get out of the bag. We are staying on the second floor of a building that has a cement roof!!! Anyway, I made it out but it was one of those moments where u realize that if it comes down to survival of the fittest I will not be one of the ones to make it out alive!!! Of course my friend Ryna was also tripping on the floor right behind me! We now have matching bruises!! It seriously was really really scary, like one of the scariest moments of my life similar to rafting the Nile!! Everyday we are seeing houses flat as a pancake, seeing people with amputations, and hearing about people dying! And then the thought that could happen to me was soooo scary, I have a new level of symathy for the Haitians. The next day I moved into a tent!!! Tuesday we were at a ministry run by a church that collapsed with 50people in it during the earthquake. Ten made it out alive, everyone else is still buried in the rubble.
Then Tuesday and Wednesday, one of my favorite teams, the Portland Firefighters left which was really sad for me! They were very entertaining!!
Wednesday we went out to a clinic on the beach which I actually really enjoyed. We stayed until Sat. evening. The doctors we worked with were awesome. They let me deliver multiple babies which I loved! Of course I was on a stroll with one of my patients and she bent down to pee, and I noticed her straining. I looked down and saw the head of the baby. She delivered right there in a squatting position. These Haitian ladies like to keep me on my toes, I turn my back and the next second they are popping the head out. I have not had a baby but I am pretty sure you are aware when the head is coming out of you, would it be too much to ask for these women to just give me a heads up and say hey I think I am pushing a head out right now??
Friday night I was delivering a baby, and the baby ended up being dead. The cord was wrapped around its neck. It was completely horrifying, and traumatizing for the mom and me! It was so sad she was about 8mo pregnant and has just seen the doctor the day before. He had done an ultrasound and said the baby was good, the heart was good, and she was having a girl. She ended up having a baby boy who had been dead for some time. Horrible. Then outside we had a women who was about 5months pregnant had a miscarraige and delivered the fetus. Seriously within an hr of each other. It was sooooo sad, and something I wish I had not experienced.
Then the rest of the night I was on call and spent almost the entire night awake and had to work the entire next day. It was really rough! I'm exhausted and starting to feel a little burnt out!! I am just feeling discouraged, and really hope this next week will be better!! Sometimes life is just too horrible and the things that happen are too sad! This is definitly a week in which I say, this is my life? Am I strong enough for this? And do I really want to be part of this or do I just want to go home be comfortable and pretend this is not a reality?? I'm still here though, lets hope this next week goes better!

Honestly, its hard to remember what even happened this week to blog about! Monday and Tuesday I was back at the same hospital, and by Tuesday we needed to change it up and go to a new place the hospital was too exhausting. Both days I had to take care of the 32wk baby who would randomly stop breathing which was traumatizing. He was transferred to a different hospital where they can take better care of him! Wednesday we went to the Crossworld campus which has turned into a tent city. We were suppossed to see a few people, and have a MD with us. Of course we saw about 150 people and had no MD. So we got to play doctors which is actually not fun; its a lot of pressure and you feel like you are doing everything wrong! But we saw everyone who needed to be seen! Then Thursday we went to a different clinic all day. It was well run, and pretty low key. Its been interesting to see all the types of organizations out there right now. Friday I pulled a double shift at night. So I arrived at work at 5 and left at 9:45 in the AM. It was a long night. It included a women who was miscarrying having a major hemorrhage and almost dying. We had to give her a blood transfusion, something I have not done in the states! Her brother donated the blood, he was a match but of course we had no time or capability to test it for diseases so lets hope his blood was clean. Then later that night one of the babies had three seizures, and was choking. I saw it and tried to suction it out! Not cool at all. But the baby is ok!! Then in the morning my friends who were working in the ER had to take care of the father of one of the volunteer nurses. 67yo man who came to volunteer with his nurse daughter. Friday night he gets a fever of 105.6, can't figure out what is wrong and he almost dies. He was airlifted to the USS Comfort. We don't know what happened. Keep him and his family in your prayers.
And of course pray for Haiti. We have had some rain this week, and you think about those people out there with notihng. More rain is coming, and it will be ugly.
One last crazy note, tonight Sean Penn was walking around our campus. He is living in a tent and working with a program to feed children!! I was too nervous to talk to him, but I did walk past and stare.

Today we had the day off; which was much needed! Yesterday I hit the wall I could not work another day! So my week in review will be short because I can't even remember what happened. All I know is I was the only OB nurse all week with an average of about 9 moms, some laboring, some with babies. I assisted with two deliveries. I am on the unit by myself, no doctors no midwives around. The one midwife on shift is around the building out front in a tent. So I have started prescribing medicines by myself, and also almost delivered a baby by myself. I walked past my laboring patient and saw the head of the baby. Did my patient yell for me? No. Did she make a noise? No. So I see the baby's head and go grab someone to help me. Of course no one is around. Run outside to a tent and ask a peds MD to catch the baby if it drops out while I run to get the midwife. I was halfway around the building when I heard the baby come. Why didn't I send a Haitian nurse to get the midwife b/c the midwife can't speak Creole. The language barrier is really difficult, I'm so glad I can speak Creole but it makes my work twice as hard b/c everyone wants me to translate for them!

If I have a moment of free time I try to help peds which has a Kwashiokor kid, a girl with her eye practically popping out b/c it got hit in the quake and lots of dehydrated babies. One 3mo baby weighing 1.8kg. The scary part is I'm not phased anymore. I just expect it. I always talk about how I want to be a better person. And my goal has been to be a source of joy while I'm here, to go thru the day smiling. But I wonder, am I becoming a better person if I don't bat an eye when I see a kid starving in front of me? And what kind of world are we living in that this even happens?

On a happier note: we are temporarily letting moms stay in tents at the hospital so I don't have to kick people out on the streets, thanks to a Canadian who gave me 8 tents!! Go Canada. I had been keeping track of the moms who had no housing so that I could call all of them when I had tents, which I did!! And I still think the overall mood here is so hopeful, everyone wants to help and is excited! I have not seen the redcross anywhere, nor snakes, nor Anderson Cooper, or Angelina Jolie! I'm still sleeping on the floor, but I did have time to eat lunch one day! Tomorrow I go back to the same hospital since I am the only OB nurse I am feeling like I need to go, but I heard next week more OB nurses come so maybe I will go somewhere else!

Overall the attitude is still so hopeful here! I love being here, I love Haiti, and I love that everyone cares about Haiti now and is soooo enthusiastic!!

Port Au Prince Day 3

I'm here after an 8hr, beautiful bus ride! Beautiful until PAP, its like one house is completely flattened like a pancake the next has no damage. It is so bizarre, I don"t understand it. There are tent cities everywhere, which are made with sheets etc, and smell so bad, I almost get sick and I'm a nurse!!
I'm working at a hospital that is an hr drive away in the back of a pick up. Day 1 I worked peds! My Creole came back quick bc when no one can communicate with the patients it forces you to do all the interpreting. It was crazy busy day 1. Then day 2 and 3 came which was beyond busy. Um I was moved to OB where I am the only nurse working all day, not cool. I usually have at least 3 patients laboring. And at least 4 who just had c-sections. Plus a few extras like the postpartum lady who has high BP and had seizures. Lets just say I don't eat btwn 6:30 am and 6:30pm. I also only sit in the car. Its ok, I came to work and I am definitely doing that. Plus you can't complain or take a break when everyone around you has so many more problems, I can't imagine. I have already had to send three women home with their newborn babies, and no place to live. Not even a tent. We have nothing to give them. My patient today, it was her 11th baby all her kids are sleeping outside and now she takes the newborn to sleep outside too! I let an 18yo new mom stay two extra nights just bc she was scared and had no place to go. If anyone knows of a group sending tents then network for me please!
The hospital also has a lot of kids with dehydration. There are too many tents to count that are filled with post op orthopedic surgeries like amputations. The entire hospital is pretty much mass chaos!! I have to say though the best part is seeing all the teams. Everywhere we drive we pass groups on their way to projects. And we are living with about two hundred volunteers as well! I just have seen so many people really taking care of the Haitians, I have loved that! And I have to say the most impressive so far have been the French, they have done an amazing job at the hospital!! We are working in peds and OB with a group of Americans who are pretty awesome as well! They leave this weekend with no replacements so far, so pray for help!!
Our home is a school with flushing toilets and we can take a 3min shower which is amazing!! The food has been great! No tarantulas have been seen or killed!! The military is also here, we aren't allowed to talk to them, but we all appreciate the water and internet they are paying for!! Its been hard but I've had moments of just pure joy! There is still laughter and love in Haiti! I can make jokes wiht the patients, babies are still smiling!! And my goal is to keep a smile on my face. The last thing I need to do is stress them out more, and we have to have hope for something better.
Just so everyone knows I feel completely safe here!!

Santo Domingo

We made it to the DR! It is beautiful, soooo beautiful! And very hot, but its actually kinda nice, except when I am lugging my 130lbs of luggage! That is like 20lbs lighter than last month, so be impressed people!! We have had no problems at all! Tomorrow we are on the bus, and going to Haiti! Its nice to have a day here to relax, and adjust before heading into the disaster zone! But we are all ready and excited to go to work! I have not cried or panicked, I have a peace, so that makes me feel really good! But still keep us in your prayers! If you want an email update since I may not be able to blog please email my parents at martinwarr@comcast.net and ask to be put on the Haiti update list!! As MJ would say, this is it!

Leaving on a jet plane

Here we go people! Let the chaos begin. I'm leaving Feb. 5th, and heading to Miami, I'll stay the night there. Sat. I fly into the DR and spend the night. Sunday I take a bus into PAP. All with my favorite nurse extraordinaire RYNA!!! Here is the website of where I will be staying: http://quisqueya.org/ I am going with Crossworld. I will be in PAP thru Feb. and maybe longer. I will not have Internet access for the most part, so my blog will be random. But I will be calling my parents and they will send updates. If you want them to update you please email them at martinwarr@comcast.net
Pray!

When?

The day the earthquake hit Haiti, I was on a plane to Miami when it struck. Of course no planes were going into Haiti so I spent three days in Miami trying to figure out what to do. I apologize for those of you who were worried about me. I have heard that everyone in Passe Catabois is ok. I knew two families in Port Au Prince and they are all alright. Though they did lose their house. Right now I am trying to find a way to volunteer. I have registered with multiple relief groups and hope something will work out. I am heartbroken for Haiti! I dream about Haiti, and am so sad by this tragedy and hope I can go and help soon! I will keep you all posted!

It has been way too long since my last blog! First of all I want to mention that 5 of the kids in the orphanage were in the top ten in their class which is awesome! Yeah to Emily for spending so much time preparing homework, and teaching the kids. I tried but my teaching skills are pretty much non-existent, I have a whole new respect for teachers!
Also, we had Thanksgiving which was awesome. We had four chickens, and I attempted to slaughter one myself. Unfortunately, I did not completely cut the head off; so there was a lot of blood and a minor freak out by me! We were able to teach the Kenyans and Germans about our holiday, and we all said what we were thankful for! It was really awesome!!
We went to Mt. Kilimanjaro, just to look at it. There was a lot of clouds, so we saw the top and bottom, but it was really gorgeous. We went camping again which was lots of fun!! And we also decided to look for lions on foot. One of my stupidest moments, about a half hour in I realized this was a really bad idea. That was also when we found out there three lions nearby, and we were with one man who had a knife. These are not good odds. And since I already risked my life on safari because of diarrhea I was not about to do it again for no good reason!!
Our second to last week we went to Uganda, which was beyond beautiful. It was a 14hour bus ride to get there, with two toilet stops, one of which was to go on the side of the bus in the road. Seeing as how I am white I already stand out, there is no way I am dropping my pants with an entire busful of people, fortunately I was not having diarrhea that day!!! We went on a chimp hike which was kinda scary because our guides had rifles, and told us it was in case the animals went crazy, and in the park we were in the animals were known to go crazy. I was like please define crazy, in my head I was thinking a chimp was going to come flying at my face. Fortunately, that did not happen. We also rafted the Nile which was class 5 rapids, the highest is class 6 and that is unraftable. So we were doing the craziest rapids there were. When I asked if anyone had died they said not today or yesterday. I basically was hyperventilating from the beginning. Of course our raft flipped on the two longest rapids. Honestly, I thought I was going to die, I was being tossed around like a rag doll underwater. If you want a similar experience, get in a huge washing machine for about 20seconds, come up for air and instead take in a big gulp of water and then get sucked back into the machine. Another shout out to my friend Mathiesen, who had never rafted and can't swim, and my friend Jakob who also had never rafted before. They both decided to start with the biggest rapids possible. I was living with crazies!!
Then it was time to go back and say goodbye to everyone! It was so sad to say goodbye to all the kids, and staff! Really, really sad! But then I decided not to leave, thanks to my purse/passport being stolen 5hrs before my flight. So I had an extended stay in Kenya. The embassy was very nice and helpful. I stayed an extra 5days, I was able to go back to the children's center and see everyone again. It was actually a fun/funny experience, who gets their passport stolen 5hrs before their flight? Um me!! But I was happy because it delayed my leaving Kenya, and I really enjoyed my time there!!!
Now I get ready to leave for Haiti next Tuesday. I am so excited to go with my good friend Ryna, supernurse. Unfortunately, Annemarie the MD is not there, so pray for us as we take on the Dr. role, and pray for AM too!!